


find him

by hurricanedelta



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:18:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3584421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurricanedelta/pseuds/hurricanedelta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>//shrugs</p>
<p>i have the biggest writers block ever help me</p>
<p>but did anyone else expect anything different from me i mean really</p></blockquote>





	find him

You had your own little family. That’s what you thought. Arima as your father – strict as ever, but still guides you in the right direction, Akira as your mother – always helping you and acting very maternal (it was sort of her personality towards you, at least), and the Quinx as your children. You thought was okay, in a weird, twisted way, considering you didn’t have a family to call your own.

You always thought someone was missing, however. Perhaps a brother, or a sister, but someone. Someone you could always rely on, and hang out with, and tell jokes or tell about your day. You supposed you wanted someone to talk to, and you were right.

Akira was alright to talk to, but it was hard to talk to her about your memories, somehow. You had brought the subject up before, but she seemed to talk her way around it, avoiding the question. You got the message very quickly. It wasn’t something you approach the Q’s about either, considering they were young and new at this job, dealing with their own problems, and fighting their own way.

They didn’t your problems and theories to worry about on top of all that. It would be best for you to deal with it, and ponder your own about the mystery of your life before all this.

What were you like? Did you have any friends or family? What hobbies did you have? Did you want to join the CCG?

There was also that wrangling voice in your head that seemed to want to give you half-assed answers to these questions, and then relate them back to how you are now.

_I was strong, but now look at you, Haise. You are weak, and alone, with nowhere to go. Accept me. Accept me. ACCEPT ME._

You never accepted him. He scared you to bits, the way his voice was echo in your head, demanding acceptance, telling you your own weaknesses, and berating your every action. There are times when he comes out though, and those times you pay special attention to assure anyone around you that you are fine.

It’s the times when you crack your fingers, the cracking echoing through your head, and a sadistic grin forms upon your lips. It’s the times when you’re alone in your room in the middle of the night, trying _desperately_ to sleep, but all you can hear is _accept me, or be all alone_. It’s the times when you see random things that should have no meaning to you, but you get a pang in your heart anyway, and you never know why. It’s the times when you all you want to do is give in, and he is so pleased with himself.

There’s also the other things you have to worry about. Your kakugan gets set off at random times, almost scaring the life out of poor Mutsuki (he tells you that you look sadder afterwards, and you always assure him that he is absolutely fine). Sometimes you even lose control of your kagune, and it erupts out the bottom of your back, tearing away at the skin with an explosive pain. It takes you what seems to be forever to retract it, some sort of repression of your ghoulish abilities was making it harder to control yourself.

The lack of control scares you. And it makes him laugh.

_I can control it if you let me in, Haise. Let me in… let me in… LET ME IN_

You want him to leave you alone. You need him to leave you alone. You need that voice out of your head, to stop intruding on your life and just _leave_. You hated his voice, how it was so wrangled yet so familiar.

He whispered names in the middle of the night, almost _trying_ to trigger his return.

_Touka-chan. Nishio-senpai. Yomo-san. Hinami-chan. Hide. Hide. Hide. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Hide. Please forgive me. I’m so so sorry. Hide. Forgive me. Hide. Hide. HIDE._

You remember things at the strangest moments too. It’s an odd sensation, remembering significant things. You feel like someone’s injected you with important information, yet you couldn’t put the pieces together, no matter how hard you try.

_Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide. Find Hide. Find him. Find Hide. FIND HIDE._

It was that name, over and over again, always desperate. ‘Hide’ was someone he needed desperately, someone it seemed to want to… protect? Maybe? Whenever you brushed those feelings off, they seemed to only intensify, like an animal protects its young. It was fierce, and protective and it was the strongest emotions you have ever felt.

_Hide can make you stronger. I can make you stronger. Find him, and accept me. Everything will be better if you do it._

You ignore it, as you always do.

_Find him… he cares._

**Author's Note:**

> //shrugs
> 
> i have the biggest writers block ever help me
> 
> but did anyone else expect anything different from me i mean really


End file.
